Monday, June 29, 2015

Welcome to New York

Let's recap my Saturday everyone.

6:30 AM: Mom comes into the guest room where I'm pretty sure I sweat off 5lbs due to the heat in her house and wakes me up.  Wonder why we stayed up until 11:30pm drinking all the wine and talking all the talk with her fiancĂ©.

6:35 AM: Mom comes back in to remind me she woke me up, in case I forgot.

6:45 AM: Mom offers to bring me coffee while I put on my makeup, because she knows how it's either that or deal with me growling at her until I get coffee.

7:20 AM: Get onto the bus and shimmy our way into our seats due to the two complete idiots in from of us who have used their reclining seats function liberally.

7:35 AM: Change seats to the section diagonally behind us or else deal with mom punching the seats in front of us for 3 hours and a possible bus brawl.

8:30 AM: Hear the lady across from us cough up a lung, then glance over to see her pull out a large freezer Ziploc bag and puke in it.

8:33 AM: Watch the puking lady Ziploc her bag and place it in the area in front of her seat, then close her eyes and start to snore.

9:00 AM: Mom gets her glasses out for the 100 time to stalk someone on Facebook with me, while lady across from us reaches for the puke Ziploc bag.

9:15 AM: Puke lady goes back at it for a few minutes, loudly, then returns the Ziploc to her front area, then pulls out her cell phone and starts giving someone directions in German.

10:00 AM: Puke lady goes to the bathroom, then returns to retrieve her puke bag to fill it up some more for one final time.

10:30 AM: Walk through the doors of Macy's, not even realizing that was the last fresh air I would have for almost 5 hours.

10:35 AM: Starbucks, large Starbucks.

10:45 AM: Walk into the Bridal Salon at Macy's and immediately have my Starbucks plucked away.  She lived, barely.

11:30 AM: Mom finds a dress, while I sit and watch people I've only seen before on Jerseylicious reenact a scene from "Say Yes to the Dress".

12:35 PM: Mom finds another dress, I stare at a tiara that retails for $3840 wondering the purpose of my existence without my Starbucks. Also, I probably need that tiara for my birthday.

1:30 PM: Walking out of the bridal salon promising I'm never getting married, or if I do it will involve Elvis.

2:30 PM: Mom begs the lovely man directing traffic at the escalators to direct her toward a restaurant with a bar before I kill someone.

2:40 PM: My butt barely hits the bar stool before I order a Bloody Mary from the bartender with a twinkle in his eye and promise him a place in heaven.

3:00 PM: Wander through the bedding department and wonder if anyone would really find me if I slipped under the last set of down comforters.

3:30 PM: Mom goes off to find presents for the little kids we love while I find a Trenta iced coffee and a seat next to an outlet to charge my phone and pass out. 

4:30 PM: What is that thing up there, is that the sky?  What year is it? Who is the president? Where am I?

4:45 PM: Sephora, I remember you old friend.  I wonder if I can wedding dress shopping guilt mom into buying me that lipstick Joynes wanted me to try?

4:50 PM: Yes, yes I can.


6:30 PM: Good wine, oh hello bus, I wonder how Ziploc puke lady enjoyed her day.

6:35 PM: Puke lady must have decided to stay, well at least we get to shove our knees into the seats in front of us so those jackasses don't end up in my lap again.

7:35 PM: I thought this Exodus movie the bus driver was playing was a family friendly movie, but Christian Bale is not family friendly.

9:00 PM: I need to go to church, mixing Moses and Noah up reflects badly.  That movie would've been better with Emma Watson.  

9:45 PM: Realize I only took pictures of alcohol with my phone while my camera sat sadly in my bag all day, bad blogger.

10:30 PM: Goodbye bus of hell, hello my car, goodbye mommy.

10:45 PM: (face slams into bed)

11:00 PM: Ew, New York body needs a shower.

11:10 PM: (face slams into bed) Goodbye Scarecrow, I will miss you most of all.


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